ANGER MANAGEMENT AGAIN

ANGER MANAGEMENT AGAIN

This blog post is an extension to my previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I acknowledge that managing anger is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Still there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over into destructive behavior.

“Anyone can become angry — that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not so easy.”

~ Aristotle

This blog post is an extension to my previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I acknowledge that managing anger is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Still there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over into destructive behavior. In my earlier blog, I tried to give you a glimpse on how one can manage one’s anger (I suggested a handful of tips and those were the practices if followed wisely, can hugely slash our chances of developing into an ‘Angry Ogre’). To recap, on top of them was watching out for reasons of stress or depression (if any) and rooting them out of one’s system. The other approach was to keeping the most visited end of an angry situation in mind so that they could be well avoided in times of any friction. Sometimes giving oneself a short-break is advisable (This time-out technique works as an ideal distraction to calm down). And then taking things easy is also another way of keeping your cool in those rough moments. Here I will be digging the topic a little more in detail and share some other ways to find your peace with your anger.

Explain Your Anger: Yes, it’s true that giving yourself a break (during the heated arguments) sometimes seems the much needed way out. But it’s not like ‘be all and end all’. This method works best when after finding your calm, you also voice your concern with your source of anger (be it your friend or be it your partner), when both of you are in positive frame of mind. This approach is about having an open dialogue. In other words, it is to allow the barriers of your heart and soul to fall. Sweeping the matter under the carpet can seem viable for a while, but it surely doesn’t guarantee a happy formula to sort things out. The issue is never resolved, and a strange bitterness lingers. The absolute solution lies not in venting it out harshly (which happens in most of the cases) but trying to have an exchange of opinions with cool heads. Many a time, an all new perspective of a problem surfaces after having a ‘cool-conversation’ with the ones who did cause us upset our balance in the first place. In other words, sometimes anger is often a result of misperceiving the person in case. And your share of perception must also come to the light to others only then there are chances of getting the junk clear off your head. 

Every expectation fulfilled is one big fairy tale.

Set Your Expectations Right: Expectations never die nor do they subside. We often turn into an ‘Incredible Hulk’ when things don’t happen the way we want them to, and believe that they ‘should’, happen. If we don’t have our way, it causes anger and there is just no escaping it. Also, then we find someone to ‘blame’ and ‘punish’ because they have not had our way. To paraphrase Erza Bayda, “When life is not the way we want it, we react. If we have expectations, we expect them to be met. If we have requirements, we require them to be met. If we have strong desires, we will not be satisfied unless they are fulfilled. Though life is neutral, with no bias toward fitting our pictures of how it should be, we continue to believe that life should go the way we want. And when it doesn’t, the result is often anger, in one form or another. We express it internally through ruminating or wallowing; we express it externally through blame. Anger is simply our conditioned response to life when it doesn’t match our pictures.” In the light of this notion (which is undoubtedly true), it’s sensible to have realistic expectations with people around. And this is also quite irrational to behave as a tantrum-throwing child when not entertained as expected. Sometimes it’s better to bid adieu to your ‘deep fried expectations’ otherwise it’s a typical ‘wild-goose-chase’. Remember, ‘every expectation fulfilled’ is one big fairy tale.

Can You Put Your Feet in The Shoes of Others?: Well, that’s called ‘empathy’ in simple words. And that’s entirely different from ‘sympathy’ (And I strongly recommend you to find the difference between these two, if they seem synonym to each other by their face value). When you empathize with a person (who is irritating and is your source of anger quite often), you actually try to put your feet in his/ her shoes. What I mean to say is that you make an attempt to understand the reason of his/ her disposition positively. This way of ‘optimistically perceiving anger’ is called ‘reappraisal’ by Jens Blechert, research head, Stanford University. For example, if my friend has had a bad day or he has not been feeling very good about something for quite some time, or he is just not in his ‘happy-state-of-mind’, chances are I could be the ‘scapegoat’ while confronting him and he could lash out at me. His frustrations may be passed down to me (also because in his heart of heart, he knows I am his friend and he expects at least me to understand him) and here if I start judging him and blaming him that he is not behaving himself, an emotional outburst is round the corner. And it’s true that many a time couples fight not because they were angry with each other, but because one of them failed to ‘read the other’s anger’ positively. 

This is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’.

Watch Your Words: Words are powerful. That’s the reason why it’s preferable staying silent sometimes whenever in provoking predicament. This is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’. We hiss fire, spit spleen and communicate with a roar to offload the negative feelings inside. But mind you, once arrows dipped in harsh criticism are thrown at others, they cannot be called back. And in 99.99% cases, we repent and feel guilty for doing so. It seems as if anger comes like a storm and possesses us. We regret later and vow not to be angry again. And before we know it, it becomes a vicious circle. The reason is quite simple and straightforward. When we listen to somebody, completely, attentively, then we are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed. And angry words always carry unkind feelings along with them. At the receiver’s end, decoding of these words results in magnified version of this ‘unintended unkindness’. And then, if you hope him being super-extra-kind to you, you are certainly living in a fool’s paradise. (Pardon me for my selection of words, if they hurt; but believe me I am not angry. But you know words are powerful).

Do You Remember the Dirty Past?: Sometimes you want to rewind life and start all over again. And the major problem when you’re angry is that you cognitive skills become impaired, and your intellect gets clouded. In such a state of mental fatigue and emotional burnout, consequences look insignificant and you can actually process less information. It makes you more prejudiced about others and your analytical skills go for a toss. This often leads you doing things that you wouldn’t do in normal circumstances and will cause you regret your actions when you look back. If you envisage those unpleasant memories already in advance associated with your unmanaged anger (when you did something wrongful and repented later on), you instantly get clues and realize not to repeat the same dirty past. This method is just opposite to visioning something positive. When you visualize ‘happy things’ in your future, you experience ‘feel-good-factor’ and you become encouraged and feel upbeat. Likewise when you go into your past and remember those ‘unhappy things’ (which occurred at the heat of the moment), you receive warning signals and that helps you bounce back to you ‘normal state of being’.      

Burn anger, before anger burns you.

Know the Health Hazards: Well, I’m not making this up; various studies have shown that anger can actually up your risk of health hazards. This is backed by research that the moment (when something crashes and) you act hothead and start snapping at the smallest of things, certain glands in your body get activated and they flood the body with stress hormones. It causes a kick in adrenaline and cortisol. Your brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Your body temperature rises, your skin perspires, your face reddens, your voice rises to a higher pitch, your heart beats speed up and your breathing becomes faster. The constant flood of stress chemicals causes harm to many different systems of the body. As a result, your unmanaged anger causes you headache, digestion problems, abdominal pain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, tiredness, hypertension, ulcers, high blood pressure, skin problems and what not. In fact, the list is endless. Better, then, burn anger, before anger burns you!

To sum up, I must say that anger is undoubtedly a self-defeating and self-destructive emotion. Most of the time, it’s not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. Well these ways and means (revealed in the present as well as in the previous blog) to be anger-free could sound like a good mix. But the bottom line is that it is not individuals or situations that cause anger, it is our own reaction or response to individuals and situations that determines whether we will be angry or otherwise. So, develop a strong will to control anger and moreover, have a readiness to change for better. Because,

“If you aren’t ready to change, the intervention probably won’t take hold.”

~ Jerry Deffenbacher

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.

DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

"Anger is A Bad Advisor."

DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

This time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. And here are those lessons to help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

“Delusion arises from anger.

The mind is bewildered by delusion.

Reasoning is destroyed when the mind is bewildered.

One falls down when reasoning is destroyed.”

 ~ Srimad Bhagwat Gita

Do you get angry? Don’t look at me like I am from Mars. Well, before asking you, first I am going to ask this question to myself. And yes, you guessed the answer ‘slightly’ right. I do get angry. I too am like any other regular guy. My blood does rage on issues linked with education, child abuse, injustice and others which have some significant social impact. Now, if you ask me again if I get angry on daily chores and minor matters, I would say that overtime I have developed my own ways and means of ‘Being Calm & Composed’ which help me stay cool in pressure situations. I could sound like a sage but when I see people fighting with each other on the same ‘daily chores and minor matters’, I feel sorry for them. Sorry, because their extreme expressions and acute actions don’t suit the cause (and such behavior even doesn’t suit them). I believe everybody sometimes gets angry over something or the other. Anger is not that bad if in control (in cases where you try to convert your anger into some inner motivation) but it is highly destructive if unchained.

As per my knowledge and understanding, anger eats up your intellect first and then it blinds you to all whatever is justified. Your rational mind stops functioning and you lose the ability to reason. It’s next to impossible to take any right decision when caught up with intense anger. I have seen people taking the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures when dictated by anger. And the worst part of the entire episode is the painful feeling of repent when at the end of the day our negative emotions turn into immense guilt burdens. Now, you guessed it exactly right, this time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. And I am still learning. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. Here are some useful tips that will help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

Are You Stressed or Depressed?: This could come as a surprise to you as the very first thing regarding ‘Anger Management’. But the feelings of stress and depression are strongly associated with your temper. Not only the personal confessions made by the people around tell me the same story but behavioral experts also reinforce the very notion. As per behavioral science, “Frequent fits of anger can be a result of immense stress and unfulfilled aspirations. Stress could be related to end number of causes like money, unemployment, distrust, unfulfilled ambitions etc. Here the accused suffers from frustration-aggression syndrome and he/she is found to be depressed over a period of time before their passions run high and they turn violent.” Do some ‘Root Cause Analysis’ to know what is bugging you for long. Instead of crying over split milk, take action and nip it in the bud before you turn into an angry ‘Hulk’. Remember, anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Keep the End in Mind: It’s rather easily said than done. But it’s equally powerful trick to calm your nerves. It’s like not taking the bitter medicine, but to remind oneself the bitterness of the medicine. It’s true that anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. Many times one gets angry and as stated takes “the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures” with horrible outcomes. Finally we get hit by the pangs of regret and frustration due to unwanted consequences. And then we wish if we could have rewound the whole drama and could have done something much wiser. Why can’t we decide those extreme effects in our mind in the very first place? Yes, that’s very possible. We can imagine all that unwanted stuff. And that’s the trick! The more you follow this as a practice, the more it becomes a part of your habit (read a sensible habit). Here, you are actually trying to be the master of your anger and not to be mastered by your anger.

“When anger rises, think of the consequences.”

~ Confucius

Give Me A Break: Heated arguments derive more heat and that sometimes lead to severe endings. I don’t suggest that you keep mum, but when things go out of hand or they turn ugly, it’s safe to avoid confrontations. Hold yourself together and come out of it. Step away from an angry situation until you calm down. In place of having a heart-break or a break-up, it is advisable to give each other a little break (for a while). That’s intelligent. Here, giving a short break equates with giving oneself some room for re-thought. This space-giving scheme works because one gets a chance to dwell on other ‘details’ or say the other side of the picture. But using break time in triggering the wrong emotions for the other one and polluting one's own mind spoils the plan. Instead, try to reconsider your standing and also make an attempt to understand the other’s point of view. If you are right then there is no need to get angry and if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to be angry.

Take It Easy: Learn to forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not them. Anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. Sometimes it’s all OK to let go. And it is wiser to take it easy. You know anger begets anger. And a zombie causes another one to be a zombie. There is no point in losing your mind, because the person in front has lost his. Words seem harshest when magnified by our own private lenses. And that further compounds the actual problem. Do not give extra undue weightage to those silly words uttered in a rage. In the heart of your hearts, you too know that those arrows are just toothless and they cannot hurt you unless you give them the permission to enter the sensitive sections of your heart. And when you do let them in, it bleeds. As a counterattack, you both participate in a bloody contest of ‘Who can hurt more?’ You know there is no end to it. Yes, that’s totally futile. So it’s better not to take things too hard on your heart. And that’s more than half the battle won.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

~ Buddha

[to be continued...]

SAY NOPE TO DOPE !

SAY NOPE TO DOPE !

Be the best you can be – be drug free.

Today* seems the perfect occasion to reveal this real-life experience. Here is my detailed answer to one of the most difficult encounters ever in my life. It was almost a shock for me to come to terms with a confession made by someone quite close to me. For the matter of confidentiality, his/ her name is not disclosed. This blog post is written with the pure intentions of doing good to the larger audience and doesn't intend to hurt anybody's sentiments.

Q. Hope you remember me. I thought a number of times to speak to you, but failed every time; Yeah, of course due to lack of confidence and fear of speaking out about something. But now I want to speak to somebody and I am sure you are the right person. As I came to this new place, I had lots of dreams and my parents were very happy. Everything was going smooth but one day I noticed my lack of interest towards studies and started getting backlogs in examinations. That was not a big issue but I don't know how and when I got into the habit of smoking and finally I started taking drugs...Now its a habit to take it every two or three days a week. But I don't want to do it, I want to get rid of it but all my efforts seem to be of no use...I Want To Live A Normal Life. Please help me. Please guide me and assist me to build myself again…I need your advice. And it’s a request to please keep it confidential.

The 'Detailed' Answer:  

“The greatest mistake in life is to get addicted to drugs - becoming a prisoner of ecstasy and hallucination, and less of a man. The drug addict loses the sense of dignity, responsibility, self- esteem and self- respect, and he forgets how to live like a human being. Drug addiction reduces a man to a mindless and ridiculous thing. Drugs are for the people who can not handle their troubles in reality. People try drugs out of curiosity, to have a good time or to escape from stress, anxiety or depression, but all drug addicts are willful victims themselves. The drug addict is his own enemy - slowly killing himself using drugs as a weapon. They dig their own graves by being addicted to the deadly pleasures of drugs and they cannot avoid a horrible fate.  Drugs are the false friend of the human mind, and a hidden killer. Drug addiction is a self- punishing disease that ruins mental, psychological and physical health. And it cannot be cured if the fear of not consuming drugs is greater than the willpower to quit doing drugs. Drug abuse is a suicidal act.”

- Dr T.P.Chia

Dear _____, I do understand your dilemma. And I really appreciate that you want to get out of a life full of self-torture...and for this, buddy, you really need to have a 'will of steel'...I don’t want to sound overwhelming to you with a rosy picture. To be straightforward, I must say, “Dear _____, you have got a tough challenge ahead.” You will have to fight hard in days to come if you wish to build yourself. I know it's not that easy but I would also admit that it's not that impossible. Sometimes, life becomes really hard and we find ourselves at the crossroads. We get confused where to go. But I must tell you, you are not the only one in ‘a sorry state’ like this. But yes, you will have to be the one who doesn't get trapped by these horrible habits all over again. I call this 'horrible' and you know this monster gets bigger and bigger by eating up your life, by eating up your dreams, by eating up your parents' hopes, by eating up ‘You’ and finally what remains at the end of the day are just nothing except regret, disappointment and guilt....And as far as I can sense through your message that you will never want this to happen ever in your life.

Look at the list of successful people who have been destroyed by drugs.

Look at the list of successful people who have been destroyed by drugs. Few months back, reports had been published stating that the star of the ‘Home Alone’ series, Macaulay Culkin was dangerously addicted to several drugs.  His drug problem was completely out of control. Dear, drugs mess with a lot many things in life. I need not tell you the after effects deeply as you might be aware of the dark side. Still I have an inner desire to throw some light on the same darkness. Drugs mess with your mind. Drug residues can remain in the body for many years after they were taken, the effect on the mind can last a long time. Drugs mess with your body. Since drugs also use up your body's supply of vitamins and minerals, you become more prone to diseases. Drugs mess with your wallet too. However a person under the influence of drugs is quite likely to make expensive mistakes and be incompetent. You pay big money to destroy yourself. Drugs mess with your life. It could seem ‘cool’ in the beginning and that can turn into a living nightmare that includes accidents, hurting those you love, shattered relationships and what not. Drug users often lose their enthusiasm for life. Taking drugs gives you lifestyle of a sad loser with no prospects. The damage that drug use can do to one's physical appearance is very obvious. And finally drugs mess with your hopes and dreams. Remember, drugs are for losers. 

Dear _____, you can succeed no matter what you have done in the past. And your choice is going to define your life. Your choice to lead a life free from drugs is what will bring the change. Your choice to be your own master (not a to-be-monster in the grips of drugs) will bring the change and your choice to be the ‘Man’ will bring that change....Believe me, You Can Do It. Again you have to be really strong whenever you feel the ‘unreal hunger’ to have some ‘unreal high'; you will have to remind yourself that whenever you say ‘No’ to drugs, it will definitely give you a ‘high’ in the long run. Do not give in to feed that monster any more from now on. Instead you feed your heart and your mind with something more meaningful, something more healthy, something more productive...you know a weak body is a welcoming place to all unhealthy things...as your mind also gets weaker if your body is not strong...So, if possible do start some physical work out, or start running, or start going to some gym or anything like that. Think about what you like doing the most. Enjoy life. Just remember that Drugs Are Bad. Say it in your head over and over and over again.

Try these ways to say “no.”

I think nobody must ever nourish any silly reason to get addicted to this venom. There are so many interesting and fulfilling things in life such as investing in a meaningful career, bonding with the ones you love and your parents. Realize that pursuing interests is more fun, cheaper (especially physically), healthier and easier. Try to associate with people who do not use drugs. Have a good friend who will provide you positive feedback about any situation whenever you are tempted to experiment. Remember that the future is full of hope and promise and drugs might rob you of all those beautiful promises. Even trying drugs once, or just having a little taste, can suck you into it. Learn to say no when friends, peers, or even strangers offer drugs to you. I found this list (see the image on the right side) extremely helpful for those who are in a sticky situation with a drug dealer trying to offer or persuade them into taking drugs. This list is also an answer to your peers who may offer these substances to you. Try these ways to say “no.”

Have the willpower and confidence to know that you don't need drugs. Be aware of your talents and skills. Write your accomplishments down so you can think of them in times of trouble and when you feel worthless. Have hope. Realize that you can create your happy feelings by caring about and building, your future. You can never look back at a substance-abusing episode with pride, but you can when recalling how you fought the battle and won it. Fill your mind with positive thoughts either by reading some good stuff or by watching some real good movies. Inspire Yourself...Motivate Yourself....Whenever you feel weak inside, do remind yourself, it's ‘Now or Never’...Keep your monster hungry every time it craves for some food (or your attention)....Make it weaker day by day...and you be stronger everyday until that monster dies itself with a natural death. And that would be an accomplishment for you as a new start to your brand new life! You know, you will have to do this...not only for your own self, but also for those who love you unconditionally, who smile just after seeing a smile on your face, who dream high on you, and whose hopes count only on you....For their love, for their dreams and for their hopes, 'Never Say Die !' Be the best you can be – be drug free.

My final words: Don’t waste your life being wasted. Drug free is the way to be. Drugs cost you more than just money. Get high on life, not on drugs. Reach for the stars not for drugs. Say Nope to Dope!

* Today is International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking [26th June]

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.