DELETE YOUR DOUBTS!

I think doubting one’s caliber could be the greatest blunder on earth.

DELETE YOUR DOUBTS!

How many times, we ourselves pose a question mark over our own abilities and shy away from our crown of success. I have seen so many people who just don’t believe their potential and crib over the ‘limited version of their lives’. If you don't believe in yourself, how do you expect anyone else to believe in you? The present blog post is about deleting your doubts (read self doubts) and realizing your true potential.

“If we start believing that we can’t lose, it will surely happen.” 

~ Andres Iniesta

For a few days, I have been trying really hard to select the theme for my next blog post. And then, I chanced upon a news item regarding a Norwegian trio travelling to 19 countries in 24 hours and setting new world record. According to the news, this Norwegian trio has set a new world record for the most countries travelled in a day. The new record was set by Gunnar Garfors, 39, Tay-young  Pak, 42, and Oyvind Djupvik, 38, after they made it to 19 countries in just 24 hours, surpassing the previous record of 17 countries. And then suddenly, a thought crossed my mind and I felt a kind of revelation to have my most sought after next-blog-theme. If this team of new world record holders had doubts in their potential to break the previous record, it would have been next to impossible for them to even imagine their unbelievable feat. Yes, the present blog post is about deleting your doubts (read self doubts) and realizing your true potential. How many times, we ourselves pose a question mark over our own abilities and shy away from our crown of success. I have seen so many people who just don’t believe their potential and crib over the ‘limited version of their lives’. I think doubting one’s caliber could be the greatest blunder on earth. If you don't believe in yourself, how do you expect anyone else to believe in you?

Such stories which depict one’s journey from self-doubt to success are in plenty. And whenever I sit back and contemplate over my experiences with others, I also feel myself surrounded with such discoveries made by simple people around me. I still remember one of my students who make me feel proud even today. And her case-in-point is really a piece of inspiration to all (and quite heart-warming to me as well). As far back as I can remember, initially, she was a girl of low self esteem (due to her personal challenges) and with a self doubting tendency (again due to her professional dilemmas). But in spite of all the adversities, the best part was that she was very hard working and ambitious (that she occasionally discussed her career goals with me) and she never gave up. She attended a few PDP sessions and some extra classes during my short stint as a professional trainer. And to my surprise, I sensed a great transformation in her overall personality (largely because of her passion and dedication to uplift herself). Exactly after one year, I received a message from an unknown number. As per the content over my mobile screen, one of my students was selected by a reputed firm for a decent profile. And this really brought a big smile on my face. And I was more delighted to know the name of the proud sender. Yes, she was the same student (who at one point of time was a big time victim of her own self made self doubt). 

Let's get back to the business. I get completely floored by the people who never give up in the face of their piles of doubts and don’t take long to get back on track. Having doubts is normal and what matters most is how you respond to it. If your doubts start dominating you and your actions, your destination seems nowhere near. We get so deluded by our ‘self made’ doubts that we keep falling into the same pit of fear and that’s sufficient to go into steep decline. And over a period of time, it becomes almost impossible to keep a handle on our anxieties. Truth be told, the real world is a harder place with fewer buffers. And to start your journey with doubts in your mind is a great recipe for a greater mess. Is it not possible to have an extra ounce of confidence that could outweigh your load of doubts? Is it not in your powers to realize an additional sense of belief that could surpass your feeling of distrust? Well, it’s quite possible. And this confidence and self belief push you towards great discoveries about yourself.

Cousins was not willing to
surrender so easily.

Recently, I read one of the most remarkable stories of confidence and self belief and that gave me enough food for thought. This real life story can tear down all your self-doubts (be it your personal or professional ones). What if your doctors tell you with all evidences that you have no more time to live? I think most of us would be panicked at the very thought of not being able to survive. And when you have enough facts to prove that you really have a few days left and soon you have to depart. And that’s the moment to say goodbye to all your near and dear ones. Well, I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but the truth is that it really demands a mountain size faith to go against the medically approved declarations. Well, this is what exactly happened in case of Norman Cousins (author of fifteen best selling books) who was told by medical experts that he had a very short time to live due to serious health problems). Cousins was not willing to surrender so easily. He researched all possible methods for staying alive. And adopted a combination of Vitamin C, positive thinking, joy, humor, faith...and hope. Twenty years later he was still alive. In his own words, “I was absolutely confident that I was going to make it. I knew that confidence was essential.”

Sweeping your doubts under the rug or instantly waving the white flag is not cool. You can initiate something new and you can feel clouds of doubt in your head. Sometimes it feels like there is nowhere to hide from self doubt. Though you may have a long laundry list of your own justifications for your doubts; remember, it’s a battle of you against yourself. With all the guts and the grit, remind yourself that ‘You Are Going to Make It’. Keep your chin up, muster enough courage and don’t lose your confidence. You know every bit of confidence matters and it snowballs with time. The fact of the matter is that results are never guaranteed but efforts are always in one’s control. But you have to ensure that you do not fall as an easy pray to your doubts ever again. Mind you, you are better off without your doubts and you can certainly do well without them. To put it bluntly, sometimes you may fall or you may completely fail, but do not loose your grip over your confidence and never let your self belief go, no matter what. And if you do that, I can vouch you will be able to find sunshine even in the hurricane. You better doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith in yourself.

“Doubt is normal for everyone, but successful people recognize doubt as just fuel to prove their own self wrong. Doubt is what holds people back and makes them regret when someone else does something very similar to what they dreamed about. You just have to let go of doubt and challenge yourself to be as great as you know you can be.”

~ Anonymous

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views on 'self doubts' with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.

ANGER MANAGEMENT AGAIN

ANGER MANAGEMENT AGAIN

This blog post is an extension to my previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I acknowledge that managing anger is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Still there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over into destructive behavior.

“Anyone can become angry — that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not so easy.”

~ Aristotle

This blog post is an extension to my previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I acknowledge that managing anger is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Still there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over into destructive behavior. In my earlier blog, I tried to give you a glimpse on how one can manage one’s anger (I suggested a handful of tips and those were the practices if followed wisely, can hugely slash our chances of developing into an ‘Angry Ogre’). To recap, on top of them was watching out for reasons of stress or depression (if any) and rooting them out of one’s system. The other approach was to keeping the most visited end of an angry situation in mind so that they could be well avoided in times of any friction. Sometimes giving oneself a short-break is advisable (This time-out technique works as an ideal distraction to calm down). And then taking things easy is also another way of keeping your cool in those rough moments. Here I will be digging the topic a little more in detail and share some other ways to find your peace with your anger.

Explain Your Anger: Yes, it’s true that giving yourself a break (during the heated arguments) sometimes seems the much needed way out. But it’s not like ‘be all and end all’. This method works best when after finding your calm, you also voice your concern with your source of anger (be it your friend or be it your partner), when both of you are in positive frame of mind. This approach is about having an open dialogue. In other words, it is to allow the barriers of your heart and soul to fall. Sweeping the matter under the carpet can seem viable for a while, but it surely doesn’t guarantee a happy formula to sort things out. The issue is never resolved, and a strange bitterness lingers. The absolute solution lies not in venting it out harshly (which happens in most of the cases) but trying to have an exchange of opinions with cool heads. Many a time, an all new perspective of a problem surfaces after having a ‘cool-conversation’ with the ones who did cause us upset our balance in the first place. In other words, sometimes anger is often a result of misperceiving the person in case. And your share of perception must also come to the light to others only then there are chances of getting the junk clear off your head. 

Every expectation fulfilled is one big fairy tale.

Set Your Expectations Right: Expectations never die nor do they subside. We often turn into an ‘Incredible Hulk’ when things don’t happen the way we want them to, and believe that they ‘should’, happen. If we don’t have our way, it causes anger and there is just no escaping it. Also, then we find someone to ‘blame’ and ‘punish’ because they have not had our way. To paraphrase Erza Bayda, “When life is not the way we want it, we react. If we have expectations, we expect them to be met. If we have requirements, we require them to be met. If we have strong desires, we will not be satisfied unless they are fulfilled. Though life is neutral, with no bias toward fitting our pictures of how it should be, we continue to believe that life should go the way we want. And when it doesn’t, the result is often anger, in one form or another. We express it internally through ruminating or wallowing; we express it externally through blame. Anger is simply our conditioned response to life when it doesn’t match our pictures.” In the light of this notion (which is undoubtedly true), it’s sensible to have realistic expectations with people around. And this is also quite irrational to behave as a tantrum-throwing child when not entertained as expected. Sometimes it’s better to bid adieu to your ‘deep fried expectations’ otherwise it’s a typical ‘wild-goose-chase’. Remember, ‘every expectation fulfilled’ is one big fairy tale.

Can You Put Your Feet in The Shoes of Others?: Well, that’s called ‘empathy’ in simple words. And that’s entirely different from ‘sympathy’ (And I strongly recommend you to find the difference between these two, if they seem synonym to each other by their face value). When you empathize with a person (who is irritating and is your source of anger quite often), you actually try to put your feet in his/ her shoes. What I mean to say is that you make an attempt to understand the reason of his/ her disposition positively. This way of ‘optimistically perceiving anger’ is called ‘reappraisal’ by Jens Blechert, research head, Stanford University. For example, if my friend has had a bad day or he has not been feeling very good about something for quite some time, or he is just not in his ‘happy-state-of-mind’, chances are I could be the ‘scapegoat’ while confronting him and he could lash out at me. His frustrations may be passed down to me (also because in his heart of heart, he knows I am his friend and he expects at least me to understand him) and here if I start judging him and blaming him that he is not behaving himself, an emotional outburst is round the corner. And it’s true that many a time couples fight not because they were angry with each other, but because one of them failed to ‘read the other’s anger’ positively. 

This is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’.

Watch Your Words: Words are powerful. That’s the reason why it’s preferable staying silent sometimes whenever in provoking predicament. This is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’. We hiss fire, spit spleen and communicate with a roar to offload the negative feelings inside. But mind you, once arrows dipped in harsh criticism are thrown at others, they cannot be called back. And in 99.99% cases, we repent and feel guilty for doing so. It seems as if anger comes like a storm and possesses us. We regret later and vow not to be angry again. And before we know it, it becomes a vicious circle. The reason is quite simple and straightforward. When we listen to somebody, completely, attentively, then we are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed. And angry words always carry unkind feelings along with them. At the receiver’s end, decoding of these words results in magnified version of this ‘unintended unkindness’. And then, if you hope him being super-extra-kind to you, you are certainly living in a fool’s paradise. (Pardon me for my selection of words, if they hurt; but believe me I am not angry. But you know words are powerful).

Do You Remember the Dirty Past?: Sometimes you want to rewind life and start all over again. And the major problem when you’re angry is that you cognitive skills become impaired, and your intellect gets clouded. In such a state of mental fatigue and emotional burnout, consequences look insignificant and you can actually process less information. It makes you more prejudiced about others and your analytical skills go for a toss. This often leads you doing things that you wouldn’t do in normal circumstances and will cause you regret your actions when you look back. If you envisage those unpleasant memories already in advance associated with your unmanaged anger (when you did something wrongful and repented later on), you instantly get clues and realize not to repeat the same dirty past. This method is just opposite to visioning something positive. When you visualize ‘happy things’ in your future, you experience ‘feel-good-factor’ and you become encouraged and feel upbeat. Likewise when you go into your past and remember those ‘unhappy things’ (which occurred at the heat of the moment), you receive warning signals and that helps you bounce back to you ‘normal state of being’.      

Burn anger, before anger burns you.

Know the Health Hazards: Well, I’m not making this up; various studies have shown that anger can actually up your risk of health hazards. This is backed by research that the moment (when something crashes and) you act hothead and start snapping at the smallest of things, certain glands in your body get activated and they flood the body with stress hormones. It causes a kick in adrenaline and cortisol. Your brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Your body temperature rises, your skin perspires, your face reddens, your voice rises to a higher pitch, your heart beats speed up and your breathing becomes faster. The constant flood of stress chemicals causes harm to many different systems of the body. As a result, your unmanaged anger causes you headache, digestion problems, abdominal pain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, tiredness, hypertension, ulcers, high blood pressure, skin problems and what not. In fact, the list is endless. Better, then, burn anger, before anger burns you!

To sum up, I must say that anger is undoubtedly a self-defeating and self-destructive emotion. Most of the time, it’s not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. Well these ways and means (revealed in the present as well as in the previous blog) to be anger-free could sound like a good mix. But the bottom line is that it is not individuals or situations that cause anger, it is our own reaction or response to individuals and situations that determines whether we will be angry or otherwise. So, develop a strong will to control anger and moreover, have a readiness to change for better. Because,

“If you aren’t ready to change, the intervention probably won’t take hold.”

~ Jerry Deffenbacher

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.

DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

"Anger is A Bad Advisor."

DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

This time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. And here are those lessons to help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

“Delusion arises from anger.

The mind is bewildered by delusion.

Reasoning is destroyed when the mind is bewildered.

One falls down when reasoning is destroyed.”

 ~ Srimad Bhagwat Gita

Do you get angry? Don’t look at me like I am from Mars. Well, before asking you, first I am going to ask this question to myself. And yes, you guessed the answer ‘slightly’ right. I do get angry. I too am like any other regular guy. My blood does rage on issues linked with education, child abuse, injustice and others which have some significant social impact. Now, if you ask me again if I get angry on daily chores and minor matters, I would say that overtime I have developed my own ways and means of ‘Being Calm & Composed’ which help me stay cool in pressure situations. I could sound like a sage but when I see people fighting with each other on the same ‘daily chores and minor matters’, I feel sorry for them. Sorry, because their extreme expressions and acute actions don’t suit the cause (and such behavior even doesn’t suit them). I believe everybody sometimes gets angry over something or the other. Anger is not that bad if in control (in cases where you try to convert your anger into some inner motivation) but it is highly destructive if unchained.

As per my knowledge and understanding, anger eats up your intellect first and then it blinds you to all whatever is justified. Your rational mind stops functioning and you lose the ability to reason. It’s next to impossible to take any right decision when caught up with intense anger. I have seen people taking the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures when dictated by anger. And the worst part of the entire episode is the painful feeling of repent when at the end of the day our negative emotions turn into immense guilt burdens. Now, you guessed it exactly right, this time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. And I am still learning. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. Here are some useful tips that will help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

Are You Stressed or Depressed?: This could come as a surprise to you as the very first thing regarding ‘Anger Management’. But the feelings of stress and depression are strongly associated with your temper. Not only the personal confessions made by the people around tell me the same story but behavioral experts also reinforce the very notion. As per behavioral science, “Frequent fits of anger can be a result of immense stress and unfulfilled aspirations. Stress could be related to end number of causes like money, unemployment, distrust, unfulfilled ambitions etc. Here the accused suffers from frustration-aggression syndrome and he/she is found to be depressed over a period of time before their passions run high and they turn violent.” Do some ‘Root Cause Analysis’ to know what is bugging you for long. Instead of crying over split milk, take action and nip it in the bud before you turn into an angry ‘Hulk’. Remember, anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Keep the End in Mind: It’s rather easily said than done. But it’s equally powerful trick to calm your nerves. It’s like not taking the bitter medicine, but to remind oneself the bitterness of the medicine. It’s true that anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. Many times one gets angry and as stated takes “the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures” with horrible outcomes. Finally we get hit by the pangs of regret and frustration due to unwanted consequences. And then we wish if we could have rewound the whole drama and could have done something much wiser. Why can’t we decide those extreme effects in our mind in the very first place? Yes, that’s very possible. We can imagine all that unwanted stuff. And that’s the trick! The more you follow this as a practice, the more it becomes a part of your habit (read a sensible habit). Here, you are actually trying to be the master of your anger and not to be mastered by your anger.

“When anger rises, think of the consequences.”

~ Confucius

Give Me A Break: Heated arguments derive more heat and that sometimes lead to severe endings. I don’t suggest that you keep mum, but when things go out of hand or they turn ugly, it’s safe to avoid confrontations. Hold yourself together and come out of it. Step away from an angry situation until you calm down. In place of having a heart-break or a break-up, it is advisable to give each other a little break (for a while). That’s intelligent. Here, giving a short break equates with giving oneself some room for re-thought. This space-giving scheme works because one gets a chance to dwell on other ‘details’ or say the other side of the picture. But using break time in triggering the wrong emotions for the other one and polluting one's own mind spoils the plan. Instead, try to reconsider your standing and also make an attempt to understand the other’s point of view. If you are right then there is no need to get angry and if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to be angry.

Take It Easy: Learn to forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not them. Anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. Sometimes it’s all OK to let go. And it is wiser to take it easy. You know anger begets anger. And a zombie causes another one to be a zombie. There is no point in losing your mind, because the person in front has lost his. Words seem harshest when magnified by our own private lenses. And that further compounds the actual problem. Do not give extra undue weightage to those silly words uttered in a rage. In the heart of your hearts, you too know that those arrows are just toothless and they cannot hurt you unless you give them the permission to enter the sensitive sections of your heart. And when you do let them in, it bleeds. As a counterattack, you both participate in a bloody contest of ‘Who can hurt more?’ You know there is no end to it. Yes, that’s totally futile. So it’s better not to take things too hard on your heart. And that’s more than half the battle won.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

~ Buddha

[to be continued...]