DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

"Anger is A Bad Advisor."

DON'T BE AN ANGRY BIRD !

This time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. And here are those lessons to help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

“Delusion arises from anger.

The mind is bewildered by delusion.

Reasoning is destroyed when the mind is bewildered.

One falls down when reasoning is destroyed.”

 ~ Srimad Bhagwat Gita

Do you get angry? Don’t look at me like I am from Mars. Well, before asking you, first I am going to ask this question to myself. And yes, you guessed the answer ‘slightly’ right. I do get angry. I too am like any other regular guy. My blood does rage on issues linked with education, child abuse, injustice and others which have some significant social impact. Now, if you ask me again if I get angry on daily chores and minor matters, I would say that overtime I have developed my own ways and means of ‘Being Calm & Composed’ which help me stay cool in pressure situations. I could sound like a sage but when I see people fighting with each other on the same ‘daily chores and minor matters’, I feel sorry for them. Sorry, because their extreme expressions and acute actions don’t suit the cause (and such behavior even doesn’t suit them). I believe everybody sometimes gets angry over something or the other. Anger is not that bad if in control (in cases where you try to convert your anger into some inner motivation) but it is highly destructive if unchained.

As per my knowledge and understanding, anger eats up your intellect first and then it blinds you to all whatever is justified. Your rational mind stops functioning and you lose the ability to reason. It’s next to impossible to take any right decision when caught up with intense anger. I have seen people taking the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures when dictated by anger. And the worst part of the entire episode is the painful feeling of repent when at the end of the day our negative emotions turn into immense guilt burdens. Now, you guessed it exactly right, this time the present blog post is about ‘Anger Management’. An honest confession before we proceed; I have not yet got complete control over this toxin and I am yet to gain more wisdom. And I am still learning. By the way, in this course of learning, I have picked up a few useful lessons worth sharing. Here are some useful tips that will help you cruise along smoothly on burning coals of anger.

Are You Stressed or Depressed?: This could come as a surprise to you as the very first thing regarding ‘Anger Management’. But the feelings of stress and depression are strongly associated with your temper. Not only the personal confessions made by the people around tell me the same story but behavioral experts also reinforce the very notion. As per behavioral science, “Frequent fits of anger can be a result of immense stress and unfulfilled aspirations. Stress could be related to end number of causes like money, unemployment, distrust, unfulfilled ambitions etc. Here the accused suffers from frustration-aggression syndrome and he/she is found to be depressed over a period of time before their passions run high and they turn violent.” Do some ‘Root Cause Analysis’ to know what is bugging you for long. Instead of crying over split milk, take action and nip it in the bud before you turn into an angry ‘Hulk’. Remember, anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Anger is temporary madness. Either you control it, or it will control you.

Keep the End in Mind: It’s rather easily said than done. But it’s equally powerful trick to calm your nerves. It’s like not taking the bitter medicine, but to remind oneself the bitterness of the medicine. It’s true that anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. Many times one gets angry and as stated takes “the most stupid actions and the most foolish measures” with horrible outcomes. Finally we get hit by the pangs of regret and frustration due to unwanted consequences. And then we wish if we could have rewound the whole drama and could have done something much wiser. Why can’t we decide those extreme effects in our mind in the very first place? Yes, that’s very possible. We can imagine all that unwanted stuff. And that’s the trick! The more you follow this as a practice, the more it becomes a part of your habit (read a sensible habit). Here, you are actually trying to be the master of your anger and not to be mastered by your anger.

“When anger rises, think of the consequences.”

~ Confucius

Give Me A Break: Heated arguments derive more heat and that sometimes lead to severe endings. I don’t suggest that you keep mum, but when things go out of hand or they turn ugly, it’s safe to avoid confrontations. Hold yourself together and come out of it. Step away from an angry situation until you calm down. In place of having a heart-break or a break-up, it is advisable to give each other a little break (for a while). That’s intelligent. Here, giving a short break equates with giving oneself some room for re-thought. This space-giving scheme works because one gets a chance to dwell on other ‘details’ or say the other side of the picture. But using break time in triggering the wrong emotions for the other one and polluting one's own mind spoils the plan. Instead, try to reconsider your standing and also make an attempt to understand the other’s point of view. If you are right then there is no need to get angry and if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to be angry.

Take It Easy: Learn to forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not them. Anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. Sometimes it’s all OK to let go. And it is wiser to take it easy. You know anger begets anger. And a zombie causes another one to be a zombie. There is no point in losing your mind, because the person in front has lost his. Words seem harshest when magnified by our own private lenses. And that further compounds the actual problem. Do not give extra undue weightage to those silly words uttered in a rage. In the heart of your hearts, you too know that those arrows are just toothless and they cannot hurt you unless you give them the permission to enter the sensitive sections of your heart. And when you do let them in, it bleeds. As a counterattack, you both participate in a bloody contest of ‘Who can hurt more?’ You know there is no end to it. Yes, that’s totally futile. So it’s better not to take things too hard on your heart. And that’s more than half the battle won.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

~ Buddha

[to be continued...]

SAY NOPE TO DOPE !

SAY NOPE TO DOPE !

Be the best you can be – be drug free.

Today* seems the perfect occasion to reveal this real-life experience. Here is my detailed answer to one of the most difficult encounters ever in my life. It was almost a shock for me to come to terms with a confession made by someone quite close to me. For the matter of confidentiality, his/ her name is not disclosed. This blog post is written with the pure intentions of doing good to the larger audience and doesn't intend to hurt anybody's sentiments.

Q. Hope you remember me. I thought a number of times to speak to you, but failed every time; Yeah, of course due to lack of confidence and fear of speaking out about something. But now I want to speak to somebody and I am sure you are the right person. As I came to this new place, I had lots of dreams and my parents were very happy. Everything was going smooth but one day I noticed my lack of interest towards studies and started getting backlogs in examinations. That was not a big issue but I don't know how and when I got into the habit of smoking and finally I started taking drugs...Now its a habit to take it every two or three days a week. But I don't want to do it, I want to get rid of it but all my efforts seem to be of no use...I Want To Live A Normal Life. Please help me. Please guide me and assist me to build myself again…I need your advice. And it’s a request to please keep it confidential.

The 'Detailed' Answer:  

“The greatest mistake in life is to get addicted to drugs - becoming a prisoner of ecstasy and hallucination, and less of a man. The drug addict loses the sense of dignity, responsibility, self- esteem and self- respect, and he forgets how to live like a human being. Drug addiction reduces a man to a mindless and ridiculous thing. Drugs are for the people who can not handle their troubles in reality. People try drugs out of curiosity, to have a good time or to escape from stress, anxiety or depression, but all drug addicts are willful victims themselves. The drug addict is his own enemy - slowly killing himself using drugs as a weapon. They dig their own graves by being addicted to the deadly pleasures of drugs and they cannot avoid a horrible fate.  Drugs are the false friend of the human mind, and a hidden killer. Drug addiction is a self- punishing disease that ruins mental, psychological and physical health. And it cannot be cured if the fear of not consuming drugs is greater than the willpower to quit doing drugs. Drug abuse is a suicidal act.”

- Dr T.P.Chia

Dear _____, I do understand your dilemma. And I really appreciate that you want to get out of a life full of self-torture...and for this, buddy, you really need to have a 'will of steel'...I don’t want to sound overwhelming to you with a rosy picture. To be straightforward, I must say, “Dear _____, you have got a tough challenge ahead.” You will have to fight hard in days to come if you wish to build yourself. I know it's not that easy but I would also admit that it's not that impossible. Sometimes, life becomes really hard and we find ourselves at the crossroads. We get confused where to go. But I must tell you, you are not the only one in ‘a sorry state’ like this. But yes, you will have to be the one who doesn't get trapped by these horrible habits all over again. I call this 'horrible' and you know this monster gets bigger and bigger by eating up your life, by eating up your dreams, by eating up your parents' hopes, by eating up ‘You’ and finally what remains at the end of the day are just nothing except regret, disappointment and guilt....And as far as I can sense through your message that you will never want this to happen ever in your life.

Look at the list of successful people who have been destroyed by drugs.

Look at the list of successful people who have been destroyed by drugs. Few months back, reports had been published stating that the star of the ‘Home Alone’ series, Macaulay Culkin was dangerously addicted to several drugs.  His drug problem was completely out of control. Dear, drugs mess with a lot many things in life. I need not tell you the after effects deeply as you might be aware of the dark side. Still I have an inner desire to throw some light on the same darkness. Drugs mess with your mind. Drug residues can remain in the body for many years after they were taken, the effect on the mind can last a long time. Drugs mess with your body. Since drugs also use up your body's supply of vitamins and minerals, you become more prone to diseases. Drugs mess with your wallet too. However a person under the influence of drugs is quite likely to make expensive mistakes and be incompetent. You pay big money to destroy yourself. Drugs mess with your life. It could seem ‘cool’ in the beginning and that can turn into a living nightmare that includes accidents, hurting those you love, shattered relationships and what not. Drug users often lose their enthusiasm for life. Taking drugs gives you lifestyle of a sad loser with no prospects. The damage that drug use can do to one's physical appearance is very obvious. And finally drugs mess with your hopes and dreams. Remember, drugs are for losers. 

Dear _____, you can succeed no matter what you have done in the past. And your choice is going to define your life. Your choice to lead a life free from drugs is what will bring the change. Your choice to be your own master (not a to-be-monster in the grips of drugs) will bring the change and your choice to be the ‘Man’ will bring that change....Believe me, You Can Do It. Again you have to be really strong whenever you feel the ‘unreal hunger’ to have some ‘unreal high'; you will have to remind yourself that whenever you say ‘No’ to drugs, it will definitely give you a ‘high’ in the long run. Do not give in to feed that monster any more from now on. Instead you feed your heart and your mind with something more meaningful, something more healthy, something more productive...you know a weak body is a welcoming place to all unhealthy things...as your mind also gets weaker if your body is not strong...So, if possible do start some physical work out, or start running, or start going to some gym or anything like that. Think about what you like doing the most. Enjoy life. Just remember that Drugs Are Bad. Say it in your head over and over and over again.

Try these ways to say “no.”

I think nobody must ever nourish any silly reason to get addicted to this venom. There are so many interesting and fulfilling things in life such as investing in a meaningful career, bonding with the ones you love and your parents. Realize that pursuing interests is more fun, cheaper (especially physically), healthier and easier. Try to associate with people who do not use drugs. Have a good friend who will provide you positive feedback about any situation whenever you are tempted to experiment. Remember that the future is full of hope and promise and drugs might rob you of all those beautiful promises. Even trying drugs once, or just having a little taste, can suck you into it. Learn to say no when friends, peers, or even strangers offer drugs to you. I found this list (see the image on the right side) extremely helpful for those who are in a sticky situation with a drug dealer trying to offer or persuade them into taking drugs. This list is also an answer to your peers who may offer these substances to you. Try these ways to say “no.”

Have the willpower and confidence to know that you don't need drugs. Be aware of your talents and skills. Write your accomplishments down so you can think of them in times of trouble and when you feel worthless. Have hope. Realize that you can create your happy feelings by caring about and building, your future. You can never look back at a substance-abusing episode with pride, but you can when recalling how you fought the battle and won it. Fill your mind with positive thoughts either by reading some good stuff or by watching some real good movies. Inspire Yourself...Motivate Yourself....Whenever you feel weak inside, do remind yourself, it's ‘Now or Never’...Keep your monster hungry every time it craves for some food (or your attention)....Make it weaker day by day...and you be stronger everyday until that monster dies itself with a natural death. And that would be an accomplishment for you as a new start to your brand new life! You know, you will have to do this...not only for your own self, but also for those who love you unconditionally, who smile just after seeing a smile on your face, who dream high on you, and whose hopes count only on you....For their love, for their dreams and for their hopes, 'Never Say Die !' Be the best you can be – be drug free.

My final words: Don’t waste your life being wasted. Drug free is the way to be. Drugs cost you more than just money. Get high on life, not on drugs. Reach for the stars not for drugs. Say Nope to Dope!

* Today is International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking [26th June]

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.

DON’T QUIT: Think Happy, Live Better.

I wonder how come one can estimate his/ her life so wasted that losing one’s life
sometimes seems the easiest bargain.

 DON’T QUIT: Think Happy, Live Better.

Recently Board exam results got announced and as always news of students’ suicide attempts was the talk of the town. I wonder how come one can estimate his/ her life so wasteful that losing one’s life sometimes seems the easiest bargain. And this set me thinking ‘In Detail’ (with some number crunching statistics) about loss, stress and depression that lead some of us to the most stupid act (read suicide) and how we can get out of this silly-self-made-trap with a little self-help.

“You may have vices, problems and weaknesses... you may be a flawed person, but accepting your flaws and working towards a better ‘you’ is a must. There are times when you may not be in the happiest state of mind, but that doesn’t mean you make everyone around you unhappy. A happy mind is the secret to a happier self.”

 ~ John Abraham

DON’T QUIT: Think Happy, Live Better. Yes dear, it sounds too much ‘GYAN’ in one go. I do admit that I have borrowed my title’s tagline from ‘Eat Healthy, Think Better’ (Britannia punchline: "Swasth Khao Tan Man Jagao"). But the reason for reproducing the title is quite simple. First, it sounds catchy. And second, it conveys the intended message exactly. This time this blog post is not only about thinking positively but also about making a better choice. Well, the issue is more serious this time. Do you know that almost one million lives are lost yearly due to suicide, which works out to 3,000 suicide deaths daily? For every person, who completes a suicide, 20 or more may attempt to end his/ her life.* One out of 10 people globally suffer from major depression and almost one out of five persons has suffered from this disorder during his lifetime. At present, depression is estimated to affect 350 million people. By 2020, depression will be the second leading cause of world disability, and by 2030 it is expected to be the largest contributor to disease burden.**

At present, depression is estimated to affect 350 million people.

In a shocking new book titled ‘This Is Me: The Autobiography’, Australian swimming legend Ian Thorpe with five Olympic medals, discloses his darkest secrets. He writes, “My illness was so severe that, at times, I considered suicide. My blackest periods would often last a month, and it was during those times that I thought about ‘it’ happening. I even considered specific places or a specific way to kill myself, but then always baulked, realising how ridiculous it was. Could I have killed myself? Looking back, I don’t think so, but there were days in my life that, even now, make me shudder. I used alcohol as a means to rid my head of terrible thoughts – but I did it behind closed doors, where many depressed people choose to fight their demons before they realise they can’t do it without help. Now I am managing my depression properly.”

A R Rahman’s biography ‘The Spirit of Music’ also gives out a big secret about the Oscar winning singer-composer. He too battled suicidal tendencies. He states, “It felt so hopeless and I often wondered how I was going to get out of all that. All those years of struggle, humiliation, being ordered around by other people, seeing worry on the faces of my family, the feeling of an inferiority complex, the lack of self esteem, and even at times, fighting suicidal thoughts – all that seemed to fade away when I bought my first mixer/ recorder in 1989 with the money that my mother had kept aside for the marriage of my younger sisters.”

They obviously thought of chucking it all but they
refused point blank to the option of complete surrendering.

On the basis of my own personal experiences, I can say that disappointment, dejection and depression are sometimes too hard to avoid especially when life is full of rejections. Many people crack under pressure. You cannot wear an artificial smile on your face when you are sad within (while some people do that and are expert in it). And it’s not just about people like you and me. Even super achievers in life like Thorpe and Rahman and many others have also been the victims of the same ‘sad stuff’. They obviously thought of chucking it all but they refused point blank to the option of complete surrendering. And there are also people like Jiah Khan who quit from the stage of life over a heart break. I think this is the greatest cowardice to give up when life gets a little rough. They say there is no greater sin than that of suicide because you’re kicking God’s gift of life in the face and proving you are not worth it. Well, the theory of afterlife and rebirth (whether you subscribe to it or not) suggests that people who do not receive their due life lessons and quit life freely are bound to born with the same circumstances over and over again till the lesson is learnt (Do you get it?!!) 

Now one may wonder if our life is going to depend solely on antidepressants and stress relievers. The answer is a big ‘No’. And here is a great clue. A new study has revealed that one third of antidepressants drug studies are never published in medical literature. In virtually all those study that are hidden from the public, the drug did not work. Yes, the drug did not work! Yes, this is the catch. What is the secret formula? Very Simple! It’s an interesting ‘mind-game’ where you are supposed to ‘believe’ that everything will be alright (like the pill or the potion will make you feel better). And this faith in the drug sometimes does get you better (not the drug itself). Our thoughts play a huge role in shaping up our life as a whole? In other words, your thoughts rule your entire well being. For example, a break-up or some sad news activates the release of stress hormones 'Cortisol', while cheerful people with positive attitude have more happy hormones 'Endorphin' in their bloodstream. Likewise, couples who regularly have heated arguments are more likely to have severe health problems. Well, one thing is absolutely clear that negative thought of any kind leads to ill effects. And in some extreme cases, it often leads to suicidal tendencies. In other words, Happiness is in your hands and most of the time, it’s more in your head. If you can control your thoughts; your thoughts, in effect, can control your inner emotions.

I am never going to quit.

Accept yourself for all the wonderful things you are and all the things you aren't. Don’t let life wipe you totally out. Problems are nothing but challenges. And taking challenges out of life would be like taking a net away from a tennis game. It is a combination of your considerable courage and rock-solid determination that turns the tide in your favour. Yes, you too can switch gears. You too can grow up to a new level and become an admirably remarkable inspiration for others. Do get going when the going gets tough. Value the life you have. Realise that you've been blessed with so much. Be grateful for the many things you've taken for granted. Celebrate your little improvements; don't beat yourself up for what you could not achieve. No matter if you stumble and fall, pick yourself up, dust off and keep going. If you look hard enough, I'm sure you will find the silver lining in every cloud. Setbacks are just opportunities for comebacks. Remember that the greatest of heroes are not those who didn't face hardships, but those who overcame them.

Last but not the least. And I love it whenever I read this ‘outstanding piece of inspiration’ (and next time whenever your heart says, “I Quit”, do read these lines over and over again. I did and I am never going to quit.)

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

~ Author Unknown

* A report by the WHO, Depression and Global Crisis

** The World Psychiatric Association (WPA)

If you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com. Like on facebook.com/PDP by Gaurav Misra. Follow on Twitter@pdpbygm.