ANGER MANAGEMENT AGAIN
This
blog post is an extension to my previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I
acknowledge that managing anger is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Still
there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over
into destructive behavior.
“Anyone can become angry — that is so
easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the
right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not so easy.”
~
Aristotle
This blog post is an extension to my
previous blog on ‘Anger Management’. I acknowledge that managing anger is not a
one-size-fits-all strategy. Still there are some ways to select so that we keep ourselves away from boiling over
into destructive behavior. In my earlier blog, I tried to give you
a glimpse on how one can manage one’s anger (I suggested a handful of tips and
those were the practices if followed wisely, can hugely slash our chances of
developing into an ‘Angry Ogre’). To recap, on top of them was watching out for
reasons of stress or depression (if any) and rooting them out of one’s system.
The other approach was to keeping the most visited end of an angry situation in
mind so that they could be well avoided in times of any friction. Sometimes giving
oneself a short-break is advisable (This time-out technique works as an ideal
distraction to calm down). And then taking things easy is also another way of
keeping your cool in those rough moments. Here I will be digging the topic a
little more in detail and share some other ways to find your peace with your
anger.
Explain
Your Anger: Yes, it’s true that giving yourself a break (during
the heated arguments) sometimes seems the much needed way out. But it’s not
like ‘be all and end all’. This method works best when after finding your calm,
you also voice your concern with your source of anger (be it your friend or be
it your partner), when both of you are in positive frame of mind. This approach
is about having an open dialogue. In other words, it is to allow the barriers
of your heart and soul to fall. Sweeping the matter under the carpet can seem
viable for a while, but it surely doesn’t guarantee a happy formula to sort
things out. The issue is never resolved, and a strange bitterness lingers. The absolute
solution lies not in venting it out harshly (which happens in most of the
cases) but trying to have an exchange of opinions with cool heads. Many a time,
an all new perspective of a problem surfaces after having a ‘cool-conversation’
with the ones who did cause us upset our balance in the first place. In other
words, sometimes anger is often a result of misperceiving the person in case.
And your share of perception must also come to the light to others only then
there are chances of getting the junk clear off your head.
 |
| Every expectation fulfilled is one big fairy tale. |
Set
Your Expectations Right: Expectations never die nor do they
subside. We often turn into an ‘Incredible Hulk’ when things don’t happen the way we want them
to, and believe that they ‘should’, happen. If we don’t have our way, it causes
anger and there is just no escaping it. Also, then we find someone to ‘blame’
and ‘punish’ because they have not had our way. To paraphrase Erza Bayda, “When life is not the way we want it, we
react. If we have expectations, we expect them to be met. If we have
requirements, we require them to be met. If we have strong desires, we will not
be satisfied unless they are fulfilled. Though life is neutral, with no bias
toward fitting our pictures of how it should be, we continue to believe that
life should go the way we want. And when it doesn’t, the result is often anger,
in one form or another. We express it internally through ruminating or
wallowing; we express it externally through blame. Anger is
simply our conditioned response to life when it doesn’t match our pictures.”
In the light of this notion (which is undoubtedly true), it’s sensible to have
realistic expectations with people around. And this is also quite irrational to
behave as a tantrum-throwing child when not entertained as expected. Sometimes
it’s better to bid adieu to your ‘deep fried expectations’ otherwise it’s a
typical ‘wild-goose-chase’. Remember, ‘every expectation fulfilled’ is one big
fairy tale.
Can
You Put Your Feet in The Shoes of Others?: Well, that’s
called ‘empathy’ in simple words. And that’s entirely different from ‘sympathy’
(And I strongly recommend you to find the difference between these two, if they
seem synonym to each other by their face value). When you empathize with a
person (who is irritating and is your source of anger quite often), you
actually try to put your feet in his/ her shoes. What I mean to say is that you
make an attempt to understand the reason of his/ her disposition positively. This
way of ‘optimistically perceiving anger’ is called ‘reappraisal’ by Jens
Blechert, research head, Stanford University. For example, if my friend has had
a bad day or he has not been feeling very good about something for quite some
time, or he is just not in his ‘happy-state-of-mind’, chances are I could be
the ‘scapegoat’ while confronting him and he could lash out at me. His
frustrations may be passed down to me (also because in his heart of heart, he
knows I am his friend and he expects at least me to understand him) and here if
I start judging him and blaming him that he is not behaving himself, an
emotional outburst is round the corner. And it’s true that many a time couples
fight not because they were angry with each other, but because one of them
failed to ‘read the other’s anger’ positively.
 |
| This is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’. |
Watch
Your Words: Words are powerful. That’s the reason why
it’s preferable staying silent sometimes whenever in provoking predicament. This
is no wise to start a negative competition called ‘War of Words’. We hiss fire,
spit spleen and communicate with a roar to offload the negative feelings inside.
But mind you, once arrows dipped in harsh criticism are thrown at others, they
cannot be called back. And in 99.99% cases, we repent and feel guilty for doing
so. It seems as if anger comes like a storm and possesses us. We regret later and vow not to be
angry again. And before we know it, it becomes a vicious circle.
The reason is quite simple and straightforward. When we listen to somebody,
completely, attentively, then we are listening not only to the words, but also
to the feeling of what is being conveyed. And angry words always carry unkind
feelings along with them. At the receiver’s end, decoding of these words results
in magnified version of this ‘unintended unkindness’. And then, if you hope him
being super-extra-kind to you, you are certainly living in a fool’s paradise.
(Pardon me for my selection of words, if they hurt; but believe me I am not
angry. But you know words are powerful).
Do You Remember the Dirty Past?: Sometimes
you want to rewind life and start all over again. And the major problem when
you’re angry is that you cognitive skills become impaired, and your
intellect gets clouded. In such a state of mental fatigue and emotional burnout,
consequences look insignificant and you can actually process less information.
It makes you more prejudiced about others and your analytical skills go for a
toss. This often leads you doing things that you wouldn’t do in normal circumstances
and will cause you regret your actions when you look back. If you envisage
those unpleasant memories already in advance associated with your unmanaged
anger (when you did something wrongful and repented later on), you instantly
get clues and realize not to repeat the same dirty past. This method is just
opposite to visioning something positive. When you visualize ‘happy things’ in
your future, you experience ‘feel-good-factor’ and you become encouraged and
feel upbeat. Likewise when you go into your past and remember those ‘unhappy
things’ (which occurred at the heat of the moment), you receive warning signals
and that helps you bounce back to you ‘normal state of being’.
 |
| Burn anger, before anger burns you. |
Know
the Health Hazards: Well, I’m not making this up; various
studies have shown that anger can actually up your risk of health
hazards. This is backed by research that the moment (when something crashes
and) you act hothead and start snapping at the smallest of things, certain
glands in your body get activated and they flood the body with stress hormones.
It causes a kick in adrenaline and cortisol. Your brain shunts blood away from
the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Your
body temperature rises, your skin perspires, your face reddens, your voice
rises to a higher pitch, your heart beats speed up and your breathing becomes
faster. The constant flood of stress chemicals causes harm to many different
systems of the body. As a result, your unmanaged anger causes you headache, digestion
problems, abdominal pain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, tiredness,
hypertension, ulcers, high blood pressure, skin problems and
what not. In fact, the list is endless. Better, then, burn anger, before
anger burns you!
To
sum up, I must say that anger is undoubtedly a self-defeating and self-destructive
emotion. Most of the time, it’s not a matter of chance, but a matter
of choice. Well these
ways and means (revealed in the present as well as in the previous blog) to be
anger-free could sound like a good mix. But the bottom line is that it
is not individuals or situations that cause anger, it is our own reaction or
response to individuals and situations that determines whether we will be angry
or otherwise. So, develop a strong will to control anger and moreover, have a
readiness to change for better. Because,
“If you aren’t ready to change, the
intervention probably won’t take hold.”
~
Jerry Deffenbacher
If
you like this blog post and wish to share your experiences/ remarks/ views with
me, you are most welcome. Write to me at pdpbygauravmisra@gmail.com.
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